WILL ROGERS WISDOM

At our house were two books that stand out in my mind: a book about the life and death of Will Rogers and Moby Dick. I only looked through the whale story book but spent a lot of time leafing through and reading about Will Rogers. Here are some bits of wisdom that have been attributed to Will. In case you are unaware of Will Rogers, he was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

### There you go --- hope you got a smile or two out of this. Please forgive me for not editing Number 8, but then again, there might be others that could be offensive that I simply overlooked. So, keep the "forgiveness" spirit open as needed. LIFE is really not a great mystery to most of us. I did say it was Will Rogers that was supposed to have written these, not Bill Venrick, so that may be a little help in getting me "off the hook".

Posted by Bill Venrick at 10:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)
Volume One

Attribution is unknown -- many of these have been around and around for many years.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his Work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Posted by Bill Venrick at 11:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)